Ms. Geek Speaks: Lifescript’s 20 Trends You’re Too Old to Wear

Dear Lifescript:

On your “20 Trends You’re Too Old to Wear,” you want women to “grow up already”? Just how did you do research for this? Did you ask men? Did you ask women? Did you ask anyone over 30?

  1. Over-the-top denim should be retired at age 35. Look, if I wore denim that looked like “it was run over by a bus,” it’s probably because I’ve been gardening. Not that supervising the hired help mowing the lawn or clipping a few blossoms, but down on my knees weeding while watching three dogs (30-60 bs. ) . One of them, the feisty foster dog, has bitten me at on the knees several times. Sometimes dog fights result in real rips to pants, instead of fashion, and there is always the possibility that I might have been run over by a bus, although to date I’ve only been run over by a bicycle. If zombies are over 35, do they count? I do admit to having hipster bedazzled jeans for dancing. You’re definition of sophisticated seems boring. BTW, wearing bootcut jeans when you don’t have boots seems pretentious.
  2. At what age can one retire the word “chonies”?  Cheap underwear is one thing. Telling us at a certain we need to have support garments is another thing. According to this article, we need to be pulled in by spanxed and pushed up by wonder bras for that flawless look. Why, at 40, do we need to make our curves look flawless? Reality comes without Photoshop and airbrushing and most people did not look flawless when they are/were young.
  3. After 50 we should not show excessive cleavage? The first question should be, should one ever show excessive cleavage? Anything below the bustline is not cleavage. Strippers, do. Women desperate for attention at the VMA ceremony and other red carpet walks do, but if you’re not a red carpet regular or auditioning to be Hugh Hefner’s next girlfriend(s), is it ever a good idea? Not at most places of work, not at work-related functions and not at public places where you might find your photo posted to social media. Don’t forget that hands-above-the-head test before you venture out and don’t drink unless you want to risk a wardrobe malfunction.
  4. Stripper heels are for strippers and drag queens. Don’t retire them at mid-40s. Don’t wear them unless you want major foot problems by your mid-twenties. These kind of shoes are not going to help you get through your workday (unless you are a stripper or a drag queen).  Your aching feet shouldn’t distract from the headaches you get a work.
  5. If you want women to retire crop tops and hot pants at 35, then you’re saying dancing, belly dancing is for women under 30. I was born and raised in a beach town, crop tops and hot pants have a place and that’s not necessarily under 35. Crop tops and hot pants aren’t for the workplace, with a few exceptions, but for a day on the beach or a night dancing, why not? Having the figure to pull these off doesn’t have to do with age.
  6. Boastful graphic tees need to be retired at 30 because after that we won’t have anything to boast about? Like an MA, Ph.D, 5K, marathon or Olympic medal?
  7. Skimpy skirts should be replaced by straight skirts or skirts no higher than 4 inches above the knee at age 40? That could look pretty frumpy on some tall ladies, but business-like for me. However, on a date or a night dancing, it might be dull. Short skirts aren’t for school or work, but a night out, you can still look sexy.
  8. Tanks were originally underwear. Underwear inspired tanks is redundant. At age 40, one still might wear these for gardening or the beach. Yes, it could come off as “sloppy” or “classless,” but why does one need to be suddenly sophisticated at age 40?
  9. Giant hobo bags should be retired when one stops being a hobo. By age 50, if you’ve been carrying these humungous bags around, you’ve already damaged your posture, your shoulder muscles and your back.  You don’t need to be carrying around a week’s worth of clothes or beauty supplies unless you’re going on a weekend or full week trip. Then you need an overnight or carryon size luggage bag.

This is as far as a I got because I  realized that some of these items should never be worn (stripper heels) and that dancers would almost have to give up dancing at 30 if they followed this advice.

Women should be writing articles about what men of all ages should or should not wear and then we can talk about chonies and underwear as outerwear and how to properly sit when your shorts are so loose that they would be split skirts/culottes on women.

Instead of asking women to grow up by telling them what to wear, why not shut up and think of ways to support #WomensEqualityDay because women still do not get equal pay and women are still discouraged in many ways to go after better jobs.  It has nothing to do with how we’re dressed as much as how we’re oppressed.

I’d rather hear from these women, who know something about fashion and aging:

 

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